hey, pretender

do you enjoy living like this win? do you love to try to force your self to be as happy as you can, when you are actually not? well, i'm one of those people who doesnt like to make people see my imperfections, i mean like my weakness or simply to see me being weak. but why do i do that? HA! that's the question. hihi..

and the 2nd lies i love to do, is pretending that i'm happy with some people who's trying to get my attention, i mean "the boyfriend candidates". you know my previous blog about "no matter how hard you try, you just simply can't buy coziness" thingy? yes, that's about it. the thing is, the pieces just dont fit, it's not their mistakes, and it's not my mistake either. it's just simply doesn't rite, and i'm too tired to force my self to enjoy this. so i left. again. choosing my own paths. and i dont want to lower my standards at all cost, just to be fixed with someone. no. not anymore.

untiiiiiil. i kinda found out two of them are now having a relationship with someone else. HA! well, i'm not saying that i'm not happy for them, which is yes i am! i wish them all the happiness in the world! :)
to know that yes, i can't give them any chances to be with me, coz yeaaa.. that's so windy, i just simply cant settle for anything less than what i deserve. i'm not saying that they're not good, but they're not for me. i'll give you the "why" from my side ya? hehe
1. bachelor #1 : he's so nice, so easy to be with and so easy to make my laugh. i like to spend hours with this guys sooo much, and enjoy his company. he's so lovable and funny, crazy and stuffs, and his family is pretty close with my family. plus his father is like "something" to this country. BUT! i dont't think he's such a husband material. i mean, just so you know his job is kinda errrr i dont want to say not enough to make a living, but i think he's still counting on his father. and for me, it's not cool at all. so yea, let's be friends! shall we? :)

2. bachelor #2 : he's so smart and manly. he's kinda romantic and silly. and he loves traveling so much. plus he's coming from the best university and majoring the best also. he's kinda husband material. and at 1s, i really want to let him have his chance to be with me. BUT! i dont know why, after some weeks, it turns out really boring, and his personality isnt that good. i mean he's sometimes being too snob and tacky. well, i have to admit that i hate everything about his personality. HAHAHA! and because we're not that close, and i dont even care about anything, since we havent start anything yet, then i retreated. ignore him. and until maybe someday, we can start this thing over, as a friend? :)

i'm not sad at all, i'm really happy for them to finally found someone else. and hopping that someone's gonna be the best for them. well, at the 1st time, i kinda feel like being left out, eventhough i'm the one who's leaving them, but well it's never happened before. i was like, "oh come on, i'm suppose to be the one who's in relationship before them". but hey win, come on, have you ever heard this, "the best is yet to come", hihihi.. then i stop, and stare for a while. considering my self, being as their spouse. oh NO WAY! they're spouse are really suitable with them now. and that's it. that's not me. i deserve someone's a lot better than them. i smile. BIG GRIN. and i know now, Allah just simply loves me too much and having another story. a better one for me.

and you know what, i'm glad that i haven't settle yet, i can't imagine how much times that i have to waste to be with another wrong person! hihi.. then again, they're actually good, really good stuffs. but they're just simply not good enough for me! ;)


love,

your author

a soulmate..

today, i want to be a lover. a sweet one. hhihi.. so i want to write about this, this soulmate's thingy. i've been meaning to write about this since like forever, but yeah, too many things distracted me, so yeah now is the time! :)
i read this sentence yesterday,

"hal paling mengerikan dalam pencarian jodoh adalah ketika kau akhirnya benar-benar menemukannya"

and hours after, i cant stop thinking about it. really? isn't it suppose to be such a great thing when you find it, rite? am i RITE? hmmm well, when i think about it over again. and i make myself picturing that i've already found one, then OMG! yes, it's scary. i mean a good scary yah. it's like "i can find someone that makes me so sure". and feeling so sure about something without seeing any imperfections, or elses i can tolerate the imperfections and really can live with it, somehow it scares me. i'm such a perfectionist person, i tend to find flaws in people. and i dont know how to handle a person without any flaws, or simply accepted him. hihi..
but it's gonna be really great to have that kind of person. actually, i'm not those girl who loves a complicated person. i will try to describe someone who will be my future husband, my deary love, my soulmate.
i want to end up with a person who's simply easy to make me laugh. yes, laughter is a indicator that we are happy. so i want to laugh for the rest of my life with this person.
i want to have someone that i can easily talk to, and by that means he has to be up to everything. coz i love to discuss about everything, from a simple thing to a huge and complicated things.
i'm not that romantic. but having the one who's caring, loving, and affectionate won't kill me rite?hehe.. i love to be hugged, and cuddling all the way we watch movies. and i want to lay down on his chest and knowing that this is the only home for me.
i want to be with a person who can supports me and my activities. and wont feel threaten with my achievements.
i want to be with someone who loves traveling. and i wish he knows more about those maps than me. so i can have my own person tour guide.
but it's nicer to save someone who's waiting for me at home. asking me how i deal with my day that day.
i want to have someone who's always considered the best when we've felt the worst.
i want to love and be loved unconditionally, adoring each other, and..
MOST OF ALL, it's built to last! :')

woohoo.. i can't see this coming. i don't know that this entry will turn into some "i want my future husband to be like this" thingy! huahahaha.. but well, i'm glad i wrote these things though. keep reminding me that this man is the one i was looking for. and i'm not gonna settle for anything less than what i deserve. *BIG GRIN*


love,


your author

how bad the work place could impact your life

today while driving my car on the way to the office, i kinda have some thoughts. and i kept thinking about this issue. i can see so many people around me who's changing once they got the job. hmm anyway, what's job for you? how bad do you want to have a job? does your job is rite for you? and how about the work place? the people around it? does it impact your life? your personal life?

for me a job is just a tool that i use to get my own dreams, the bigger one. and sure to buy things, stand on my own, and sure travelling! hohoho.. and by that, i dont want my job to take place and ruins my personal life. i mean like i hate to work after 5, stay up at nite just to work longer, forgot to eat, and dont have so much time to spend with my dearest people. NO!!! i dont want to trade the moments with them only for a few bucks that i can get from working. i have a life here, a happy life, and the biggest parts is because it's consist of having my dearest people here! :')

lately, i've got some thoughts that my dearest people are kinda busy and somehow they've changed. well, i've experienced it when my closest someone's changed to someone bad, and it's really hurted me that much back then. i know everything has to change, but this someone, this is just simply someone that i love the most, and when he changed into someone that i hate, he's not only hurted my feeling, he's also made me change. a lot.

and i made a question to my self, "how much i've changed from the old windy?". well, actually this work place is kinda change me a lil bit too. but yeahs, somehow i try so hard to be true. i hate being such a goody goody type of worker. i work smartly. not that hard because i'm not looking for any career. but still i want to have a good performance here to increase my ability to be better. but yeahs, i dont know why somehow i dont feel so true lately. it's like if everyone must have something to be good at, then i know what i'm good at, i'm good at PRETENDING. yes, i'm so good at it until i think that i'm one of the best! HAHAHAHA! yea, sometimes after i wrote something that awfully wrong, i always laugh. hehehehe.. well, of course this isn't as bad as it sounds. but well lately, i dont think i'm being my true self. and the worst thing is i'm tired.

how much longer that i can stand being like this?



love,

your author

you can't buy the coziness

i wrote my previous blog with bahasa. it's kinda strange actually. coz i usually share my feeling in english, it's always been like that, i dont know since when.

what i really want to share here is about "HOME", for me home is a place where i can scream without having my voice louds, where i can really talk, share, and show how i feel without having any rejection, it's the place where i can really be my self. anD that's about it.

people said that we can buy everything with money. we can even buy people to love us if we want. but really? well, it could be actually. people are not looking so true anymore nowadays. they tend to look for who you are, i mean what you have, who's your family, how's your appearance, etc. well, we can't blame on them, coz maybe, we'll never know that we're one of those people rite? :)

but for me, there's something you can't buy. it's coziness. it's more like what you feel when you are at home. comfort. yea, it's comforting. and you can't buy this one. really you can't. no matter how you think that it's the rite thing, but hey, it's a feeling afterall, and when you deal with it, you can't think, you just feel it.

oke, i'll start to describe with a story. hihi.. *yea, there's always a story behind everything, rite?*
you guys are still remember about some guy i'vetold you before. yea, the crush one. hihi.. he's actually alright. he's *still* someone that i wish i could be with. BUT! *again, there's a BIG BUT* hihi.. i dont know why lately, there's a lot of things that make me not really sure about him. in conclusion is, we dont share things in common. coz we dont have it. it's so sad since i kinda find him attractive yah, but well when we have to deal with feeling, we just feel it, we dont use our brain, we use our heart *ihiyy* hehe.
i'm not actually so good at this thing. i use to love a man for sooooooooooo long, and i dont have any feeling to any other man to compare. until this one. well, he's still can't compare the previous one, OF COURSE! but yea, he made me believe that i can falling in love once again, since i kinda like him a lot at first. and when i start to believe, start to know him better, that's when i knew we're that different. i don't like the way he tries to reach me. i dont like the way he shares stories. i dont like the way we communicate. i dont like his style. i dont like the way he brags. okeee i hate everything about him. HAHAHAHA! *ups*
well, at first i dont know what's rush into me til i had that feeling, it's like being crush on someone. yea maybe i'm just like a girl who just got out from a tough and long relationship, and all i need is having a new adventure, new type of man, and VOILAA here he is. hehe..
but, i'm better now. at least i can control my self. and sorry to say, but well i'm not into it anymore. it's done.

i dont say that i'm being back to that stupid windy who loves the same man for almost errr like forever yah, coz i changed, A LOT! i'm sure that i can be better without him. which I AM. i'm so happy rite now. i cant ask for more. Allah just simply loves me that much. hold me that tight when i need it the most. and rite now, i can be on my own. i can be whoever i want my self be. i can be better and better. and by that, i dont want to settle for anything less than what deserve. NO! i dont want to say that i wont be with him anymore, coz i dont want to play GOD, if it's happens, then it's Allah's will. and if it is, i'm sure it will be for my best. but rite now, i dont want it to be happened. as long as i can run, i'll try to run futher away from him. HA! :p

2nd story is came from my childhood friend. he's actually not really the kind of man that i want to be end up with. he's errrr i dont know how to describe this second man, but well he's simply NOT that husband matterial! :( you know i always hate a man who's deliberately using his family's power, because he knows exactly who his father is. and i hate to talk about something over and over again, like you dont actually have anything to discuss, i mean he's just simply not that smart. and being with a smart man is my thing. BUT! *yeahs another BIG BUT* huahahaha..
he's so lovable, so easy to be with, so funny, so easy to please me, and he's so comforting. and it's an OUCH! coz i'm starting to see him more than just a friend of mine. well, he likes me a lot ever since we met, and he admitted it. but well, to be with him is like having so many obstacles to be concerned. not only it could ruins our friendships, but it may ruins our father's friendships. and most of all, i'm not really sure that i'm into this thing also, so yeaa i dont want to lose him. huhu..

so yea, that's about it readers. then again, you can't force to be comforted with someone. see, i've told you, afterall we all knew that we can't buy coziness. so yea, dont be too fast to settle, coz you wont settle for anything less than what you deserve rite? be smart! :D



love,
your author